As I scroll through Facebook at least once a day I will see the title, "Thing's you shouldn't say to...........". Usually it's new moms, parents that have had a miscarriage, any other race than your own and so on. It will start out with a victims story of sorrow and defeat and how they are unable to emotionally cope. Then it is followed by a neat set if rules I'm am sworn to remember and never ever violate or I will cause them severe stress thereby essentially re victimizing them again.
In this world of social media and lack of physical social contact, making face to face interactions more complicated by imposing rules that no one will be able to follow is completely unrealistic. Because lets face it, when I want to try to make a friend and go up to speak to someone, what the hell am I supposed to talk about? The weather? You can't even bring that up it may trigger someone like Lightning Rod Reg.
Most people have no desire to psychologically traumatize the very people they are trying to get to know. It is fair to try to find common ground so you can have something to talk about to develop a relationship or at the very least enjoy a friendly chat.
I have seven children. I birthed four and three are my husbands from a previous marriage. We have a his, mine and ours situation. Our four oldest are adults. We have a grandchild from one of them. Our three youngest are from us. Are you following me?
So only one of our oldest (his) speaks to us right now. One of the other oldest (his) calls occasionally if she wants information like her birth cert, etc. She is never friendly and it is always very short. One of the other oldest (his) NEVER speaks to us, ever. And then there's the fourth adult with her own child (mine). She texts out of the blue as if we are still speaking and just as abruptly as it started several days later she stops speaking to us again for several months.
We have also had a miscarriage. It was very sad and we do privately talk to each other about this child regularly. I am happy to discuss it with anyone however I am unlikely to bring it up unless the subject is brought up. I understand some people are still suffering from their loss and it may not be as easy to be as open.
This is all very traumatizing. So when someone asks me how many children do we have, it's complicated. I would never impose some silly social rule that you shouldn't ask me how many kids I have because it drums up trauma. Ask me. I ask other people. I want to know if we have anything in common. I want to talk about silly things 2 year olds do. I don't want to be the start of a downward spiral of depression for anyone. But honestly if someone is so emotionally fragile that a simple question like "Do you have children?" can spark serious trauma, that person needs help. I'm not be funny here. I'm serious. That response is a good indication that you are in need of mental health care assistance. I've been there and it's hard to decide if you are just sensitive or if you are very close to the edge of a serious depression. Err on the side of caution and try some therapy it worked for me it couldn't hurt to try.
So ask anyone anything you want. If you are coming from a place of kindness and true curiosity ask away. I have been told so many times that people would rather be asked, "What happened to your legs?" More than they want you to ignore them and not say hi! I guess it comes down to intent. If you are offended by someone asking you, "Do you plan on having children?" Decide what is the intent. I am hard pressed to believe they want to make you depressed. You never know they may have gone though infertility as well. They could have great information you would have missed if they had been too politically correct to ask.
